I'm Just Here

I started a new blog. I've backed away from blogs for a very long time, and tried my hand at noveling. I work online, in writing and editing, so the very last thing I want to do in my "free" time is sit at the computer and write. MSWord feels like work to me. I've tried other GUIs such as Scrivener and some different blogging software for "local" use ie, just for the computer.

But it is unsatisfying. Blogging is good because one can blather away in a little window, hit publish, edit, revise, hit publish again, and then move on into the next day. A little instant gratification, with publishing at the end of the writing process.

I want to write, and I'm good at it - at least people pay me money to do it. But I've reached an impasse on Writing. On life. On inspiration, on mothering, on earning money doing things I like to do. I'm just coasting along. I find myself with several hours to kill, and I'm either overwhelmed by choices of what I need to get done, or a complete and total lack of jack's interest.

I think there's a reason for that, but the rest of the world is swirling on without me. I am treading water here, but floundering a bit. A lot.

And before you say, ah, you need therapy. Been there, done that, taking a break.

I hit a dead space with my latest counselor. He was very good for a while, but so far out of his zone of expertise (addiction and substance abuse)... I show up with my recent, fresh "complicated" grief, my decided distaste for anti-depressants, and my need to break through the barrier. I've lost my ability to give a damn. I've lost my desire, my yearning and my persistent questing. Our last session, he said something like, "what about girlfriends? Don't you have any? You're such a hoot." Dude, if I had girlfriends in whom I could confide like I can a therapist, I wouldn't be here. And if I had girlfriends who could withstand the full force of what I'm going through, they would be worth every penny I'm paying YOU.

He also thinks I'm not taking enough sam-E. Well, pal, for one thing, the sam-E is for body pain and has an aftereffect of helping with depression (of a certain type). Plus it's pricey, and yes, I know that Prozac is cheaper, but not if you don't have health insurance, which is the case with me, which you know... but apparently, have forgotten.

I just got exasperated when he failed for the third time to hear me ask him to help me with a specific list I'd brought in... he veered off topic and, well, it was just an off day for him. A super off day for me, and I decided I didn't need that shit.

So, here I am. Needing a place to just spill it all out, unfettered, unfiltered, and unadulterated with keywords and SEO and worry about this being tied to my livelihood. I don't expect this to be more than a place to write it all down. It's easier for me to type (which is another thing that bothers me.... I don't write longhand anymore, and I'm thinking I'll lose the ability to do so. A minor worry, really.).

This is the last house on the block. My line in the sand. I cannot go lower than here. I must put my back up against this rock solid wall, down here in the bunker (ha ha, that's funny if you know who I am from a certain circle of crazy people)... but this is where the iron rations are, the extra blankets and the oxygen masks.

If I don't make it out of here, into the next good phase of my life, then I stay until the grub runs out and the zombies come for me.