Lamentations

Today is the day that my gym membership auto-renews and charges me for another month. I've gone back and forth for days about whether or not to cancel it. It's quite pathetic that I cannot decide.

On one hand, I want to be the self-determined person who just goes and does it. Who shows up, swims, works out, gets sweaty and heads home. There are decent resources there (no sauna or spa). But I just haven't gone. For three months now. I need to put a stop to the hemorrhage of money, or I need to use the membership.

Of course, I could walk around the block, ride my bike, go to the city pool (somewhere around here) to swim.There are loads of other gyms, and classes to take... I suppose what I lack is the motivation to get off my lardass and JFDI. Any of it.

What I think I need is that cocoon of safety for working out. The happy place where no one will really pay any attention to me at all, but there are people around me who do not get in my way or piss me off. With some kind of external motivation, though.

You'd think that $50 a month would be motivating enough, but apparently, it's not yet to the tipping point.

There is also a part of me who sees myself in the groove of going to the pool at 6am, swimming and showering and making it home in time to get the boy off to school.

But most of all, I want to be comfortable in this body and I want to feel better.

If someone has that magic formula, or the secret (not "The Secret"), then I'm all ears. And it might be worth $50 a month.

As I pause to edit this entry, I have downloaded the schedules for classes and the pool. Again. I'm trying to imagine myself going up there at these times. WHAT IS STOPPING ME?!

I honestly don't know. And just thinking about it some more makes me want to go lie down and nap.